Goodbye June Gloom [July 2016]

I've done a lot of yelling this month in an attempt to let out frustration, and I'm not proud of it. Even when, in the moment, it feels right, or in those moments after when it still feels worth it or valid to explode, at night after a long rollercoaster of a day I can't say that I am proud or relieved to have had my seemingly uncontrollable outbursts. I am not proud that I made the conscious decision to harm myself, put myself down or say things to others that have been pent up, in a way that would clearly hurt the ones I love. In hindsight, I know that I was trying to communicate just how frustrated I have been feeling, maybe about how shaky and unsure I have felt about so many things in my life changing or floating around up-in-the-air. Looking back, I know that I also felt like I was speaking a different emotional language than those around me; I didn't feel heard even when I thought I was screaming for help or support. My thoughts told me that I was small and was meant to be let down.

With more clarity I think that I, in fact, was heard. I know that at the bottom of the emotional rubble, I am loved. On top of it all, I have more support now than any other time in my life. Because of it however, I've fallen into an old habit of feeling brutally unworthy, of needing to show how grateful I am through doing more and being better -- dare I say, perfect?

The real me under all the clutter, attempts, and facades, just now realized this-- Here, on June 30, 2016, sitting on a subway car alone after moving out of my first home of an adult apartment really, I see; The mellow rumbling of this empty train rolling over tracks begins to rock away the chaos and clear my scattered brain, only to unearth the core of where I had been acting from: from fear and sense of lacking. I had been putting myself and others down because the narrative that goes along with attempts at perfection or being "the best" is one that constantly says " you aren't good enough" and sometimes hidden parentheses add "you never will be."

So, my goals for this next month begin, as always with:

1. Trust the process of this journey- working on trusting that I am exactly where I need to be in my life

2. Meditate every day this month. Ultimately, I'd like to complete a full 90 days of meditation, but I'll start with 30 ;) My focus is to get closer to my true voice and self in order to live in line with my beliefs and manifest my more ambitious career goals.

3. Act from my center of power, positivity and love, rather than fear, doubt, or shame

This beautiful July I'd like to celebrate and say what I have seemed to have forgotten all month: love yourself and nourish your fire. Be kind to that spark within you that has ideas, passions and gut instincts. This month I also dare you -- to work hard because you are strong not because you need to be more; I dare you to put down arms of negative self judgment because it only breeds more emptiness; I dare you to believe that you are enough and that all the courage, ambition, toughness, ferocity, softness, and sensitivity that you need to accomplish what you want to do in this life is already inside you.

Let me know how it goes! Namaste.