May/ Muffled, then Massive
When May came around, I was so ready to write about, share, and explode with what finally felt like a clear sense of direction. I'm glad I waited though, which in itself has proven to be a substantial accomplishment toward my ongoing goal of not beating myself up unnecessarily, as well as ACTUALLY practicing forgiveness for slip-ups and living into my imperfections. There have been major dips in the quadrant of the past month, but I sit here writing to you on a peaking upswing. Maybe it's the sun today or the fact that I'm cherishing the tail end of daylight outdoors instead of running through countless (and often nonsensical) "should do's," "should-go's" or "should-be-done's"​
The weight of "should's" came heavily on the coattails of recent passing of a soul who had been a close and beloved one to me. I felt weak, for example-- angry, even -- that I should have had the strength to say no to obligations, or that I should have taken the time that I knew I needed in those moments. I felt guilty and upset that I was not embodying the strong woman I wanted to be, one who was in tune and listening to her intuitive needs. During this experience of coping with loss, the specific people and things that I yearned to reach out to and be with the most, I could no longer physically lean on nor could I hear their words of support, so I searched for comfort in old habits that once made me feel healthy and whole, like settling in with a cozy cup of tea. It wasn't as daunting of a task as cooking a whole meal while in mourning, or "treating myself" to a face mask that I'd have to eventually wash off and clean up after. As silly as it may seem, brewing Yogi Tea and reading each tag's simple message became my little haven and ritual for guidance- morning, afternoon and night. The support my little therapeutic habit provided was a pleasant surprise if anything, since, to be honest, most of the boxes I had opened in recent months were over-pumped with the essence of lackadaisical instagram #inspo posts. When I truly needed it, however, the universe delivered some real spiritual guidance; bag after bag had sprinkled a reminder to have compassion. I laughed at how perfect and prevalent the messages specific to compassion were, impossible to ignore. The lesson brought me back to my yoga teacher training days, experiencing how strong the practice of acting from a compassionate place was, and remembering that the power laid in its simplicity; If all I could manage was to take a breath and lean into the sole focus of seeing the world from eyes that loved, that is all I ever needed to do-- The rest would fall as it should.
If not to heal the wounded parts of me, then I'd practice compassion for those that could no longer. I practiced seeing myself through the eyes of my mom and my sweet dog. Of course, other strongly ingrained voices of the superego would creep in, those voices of expectation or insecurity (you know, the ones usually rooted in the best-intentioned opinions of strongly-opinionated family members), but one day, I found myself letting the practice take control. Who knows where the calmness descended from, but in a moment of frustration and overwhelm, something in me said "take a breath." I did. Then it said, "I love you." ​​
"Take a breath and say 'I love you.'" It became a little game- when I'd catch myself feeling short-tempered, I'd aim that compassion at at others, especially when packed onto the train for my morning and evening commutes. I'd send compassion to the frustrated, pained parts of me, then to the unheard parts. As I honed in my listening skills, I steered compassion toward my forgotten passions. They had gone so quiet. "When did my dreams get so small?" I wondered. Have you ever had this experience? Analyzing your life and successes with logistical questions, like What does my career trajectory look like? Realistically, how many dollars, vacations, escapes do I want? Do I need? How do I want to be seen? -- by peers, by family, by friends, by outsiders? I realized suddenly that, for me, these questions were fueled by reasons that felt wrong, that felt like dirt stuck to a sweaty shoulder, rubbing against me too closely and abrasively.
I started to reopen the trunk of vast dreams that voices of judgment, both mine and others, had deemed as too far-reaching, unattainable and unrealistic. As I explored and remembered the lofty goals that, at my core, truly made me tick, I noticed that they still felt so right and so easy to me. My questions changed to fall in line with this rediscovered inspiration, and became, When do I feel whole? What qualities do I admire? This was the exciting stuff, the real substance of life.
If May has passed down to me in the sweetest of ways, any guidance and clarity, it has come in the form of these main lessons:
1/Practice Compassion. Like putting one foot in front of the other, all that is ever needed of you is to take one moment, one action, one decision at a time. Trust that when you come from this place and hold this high intention, actions that follow, similarly, can only be connected to something good + true.
2/Dream Big -- and don't forget your flame
I encourage you to revisit your real, deep dreams, whether expansive, gargantuan or perfectly simple. If they have been muffled or stored away, I challenge you to explore them again-- to explore YOU again, to dream like a kid again with wonder and compassion, and thus, void of limits, void of fear, void of any voices but your own. Furthermore, I hope that you have the opportunity to chase and realize these with all your heart.
Happy June,
Alana
