April Spring showers + a goodbye letter to March [April 2016]

I'd be lying if I told you that I've been writing and publishing each month's reflection and new monthly goals by the 1st of each month. Just as each being has his or her own guiding wind that calls and carries him along a part of his unique journey's course, I too have a wind that shifts with each turning of a calendar page; My breeze flows in different directions, alters its course for me and changes focus, but it tends to do so a little behind the official Western 1st. I originally felt unproductive, lacking enthusiasm to begin anew, but now I realize that in simply noticing my guiding wind, I feel in tune. It means I'm listening to where my own wind is sending me and when it is altering its speed and course.

Sitting post-bath (a highly rare occasion, though I'm not sure why--that's right, water usage), listening to Sad Dream by Sky Ferreira and typing this by candlelight courtesy of Brooklyn Candle Company, I'm in a peaceful, satisfied space to share March 2016's reflection and my April goals.

March, my dear-

You were a grand mayhem, a beautiful breakdown. You caught me off guard, and since I've carried this feeling: slightly unsettled, shaken, rambled up, but so, so far from broken. After long walks and facing what came up --facing myself, really-- this unsettled feeling is actually a place where I've felt more comfortable in the past. Fighting to find calm, rather than the calm itself, has always been my baseline, which is why I want to say this to you, March: thank you for bringing back home, for reminding me of a go-getting and un-halting fire inside me. With that truth, I'm filled with optimism and fuel to move forward into April. Before we part, March, here is what I learned and am proud to have done while we were together:

1. I committed, I stepped all-in to my goals and stuck to them, which was a winning sensation on its own. I set a goal to try a new studio and a new practice that I had been curious about exploring-- check, did that. I set a goal to build my relationships that I care about, to nurture and grow them, so I spontaneously booked a trip to visit my sister and dad. Relationships with friends from school that had been on hold for years gave me the opportunity to reach out, make plans, and share current news, updated dreams, and many laughs. It had been years since I saw some of the people that I was holding dear in my heart and it felt good to step out to reconnect face-to-face rather than recoil as I used to, thinking that there'd be a next or better time. Overall, I committed to the yoga and fell back on its teaching of doing it + getting out there without self judgment. Setting goals and committing indefinitely to them was a fun test, a dare, a practice that served me well.

2. Finding a truer voice and more defined limits to what I can actually offer, give, and on the contrary, what is too much and not serving the whole situation. Often times, I thought "trying" and fighting for a relationship, for example, meant giving it my all- taking every word to heart, giving up bits of myself until I felt sucked dry and left naked. I thought that bruised, bare feeling meant I had really tried to the point where I couldn't help but feel let down. It had always seemed like the other person in the relationship just asked for more, un-phased, while I put all my love out there in trust. But that 'trust,' back then, was really hope for fairness, an expectation for them to give back what I felt I had 'given' them. I too, then, was sucking them dry via expectations, no matter how much I felt I was giving up or putting their feelings first. To make sense of being hurt by loved ones, I made my love contractual, and love, as we know, is anything but.

In playing the part I did, the semi-victim, heart open, balls-out role in the relationship, I also ignored my own needs for boundaries and feeling safe. The reality is the cliche: you cannot love or provide truly stable support if You aren't taken care of first. Just as Airline safety videos explain when a mother who wants to help her child put on an oxygen mask pops on screen, if she looses oxygen before fully assisting her baby, she won't be helping either case. Our instinct is to show care by displaying how much of ourselves we can give up or hand over, while, on the other hand, putting ourselves first seems like a selfish act. In certain cases selfishness can be a real issue, but in many cases we ignore our own limits by ignoring the Self that knows best, the Self that is an infinite well of profound love and powerful strength. Furthermore, If you ignore, shut down and pass over what your Self is trying to tell you, that will more likely lead further down the same road when it comes to your relationships. If we care by listening, respecting, holding space for ourselves so that we are whole and healthy, our relationships are more likely to continue that positive and healthy trend, and we will be in a stronger place to support and hold the emotional weight of those we care about. Thus, this month I really learned that you can't help others through an emergency if your needs are not met and you are not whole.

Hello April!

I am going to dig into some ideas that have surfaced spontaneously but have been deeply embedded for years.

1. Music, for example, is in my bones-- there's no doubt about it. Over the past two years, however, that love that used to pulse so strongly through me has been mostly suppressed, save a few shows here and there. Recently, I began to crave that feeling of getting lost in and connecting to others' human experiences, which sparked an unplanned day of listening to new albums by old favorites. Returning to that center, where the bright richness of life carried by music sits in my heart + makes it tic, brought me back to that true, strong, passionate foundation that had been sorely missed.

Looking for a way to get back to my core and grow rooted in my purpose, I've decided to learn ukulele, a string instrument that ties me directly to my roots. My Mom and my uncle grew up on Hawaiian lands and the islands definitely sing through me. The culture, the folk tales, the sea, the community and the overall respect for what ties us all together as humans, the Aina --the land and its past spirits-- have always drawn me in. I've been looking for ways to connect to and negotiate the forceful and everlasting pull of my Hawaiian background and my love of music since I was little, and learning the uke seems to fit just right. I imagine sitting on the floor, lyrics floating up to light from the dark depths of the unconscious, as I strum peacefully, humbly, and genuinely. It's an image sets my mind at peace and fills me from the inside-out with the warmth of sun-kissed sand. It feels grounding; it just seems right.

2. The second focus for April involves honing in on a business plan. It's still in the works, with loads of research to delve into, but by setting time aside - lets say 18 hours a week - I'll provide for moments to really sit down and put the work in that it takes to evolve this business dream into a tangible reality. This is just a step in a long-term goal of leading and sustaining the unconventional, successful, fulfilling, creative life I'd like to live. It, too, just seems right at this point in time.

3. I will try to focus on what I am doing in each particular moment. I want work at being present in every task and to bring the yoga back to as many moments of my day as I can, to cultivate a living practice.

A fun extra:

4. Make almond cheese! Cravings for melty cheese concoctions, cheese boards with a glass of wine, and all forms of cheese, really, have been coming in like high tide lately, so why not create a cheese I can make with my own two hands that I can feel good about!